Why I am so down?

Everyday I try to fill up all my schedule so that I won't get bored. Yet, after all the busy schedule(all the exercises class), when I drive home, deep in my heart, I felt so lonely. I have friends everywhere, I'm not alone, but I felt lonely. Today, wehn I drive home in the middle of the night, again, I cried. I missed mom. Why why why. Keep on telling myself that I cannot get moody, cannot let myself so down, please cheer up, I'm trying...

Tonight 1028pm, I'm in the shop doing close sales month. My cat, Bobby was disappeared before I closed the shop. This morning when I came, he wasn't there, at the usual place, I felt so guilty and sad. I thought it was dead. People said a good cat will never die in the owner house. SO I thought maybe he was gone. I felt bad as I never treat him good. Since mummy gone, it always starve. Sometimes I don't even feed him fish. It was my fault, because I was too lazy to go to wet market just to buy fish for it. I didn't cook in a long time. The prawn and cabbage stil in the fridge until today. It's been a month. I get lazy everyday. My life is empty. I don't know why I live in the world as I can't do the things that I love. I can't do my favourite jobs. I am alone in this planet. I don't like to talk to sis and bro. I don't know why. Evrytime I talked to them, I lost patient. This is not me. Maybe I'm too far from the God, which results in losing direction in life.

Tonight, I just cry n cry n cry...I am so lonely deep in my heart. Where the happy go lucky Ming gone? Where the strong girl gone? Where the girl who always bring happiness to people around her? where where where???

What do you really want in life?

Again, I stuck in the road to my life.
Oh gosh, it's been a long time since I used english to blog.
I have to say that my english getting worst.Maybe I should start reading n blogging in english. Today only I realized that I can expressed my feelings in english.*Ouch

Everyday I do the same things. What I really want in life is totally different from what I currently do. But I have no choice to keep on continue because I need to be independent. I wish to model, but I can't let go as others do since they can just ask for money if their money is depleted. I want to earn money by myself as I'm good in spending=.=

Everyday I try to fill up my schedule to prevent boring life. But is like things that I'm doing has no benefit.Saturday, sunday and wednesday are my aerobic class. Monday will be step class. Tuesday is yoga class.This is how I spend my time. If i can take all this time and go for recruiting, I believe that I will achieve better in life in 2 years. After what had happened, I've no longer believe in fade. Fade is in hands. Maybe you cannot change what will happen in future, but what you doing now will intermediately affect ur future life, isn't?

What is in my head is all about travelling and enjoying, but do I ever think what should I do to have a better future? I want to model, but I don't know how. I just think of going to slimming centre and trimm my big thigh. Get a sexy "silhouete"(sorry, I don't know how to spell), wich cost me RM6K, then go for modelling class which is about RM2800 and modelling portfolio maybe about few hundreds. All about spending money. But how bout earning? My thinking is simple. I think after I done with all this things, I can get a modelling jobs. For my shop, I will hire another trusted person to handle it so that I can go for the jobs. Will it work? Everyone think modellign is impossible n not real. But I believe in beauty and fame(maybe you will say im ai mu xu rong). Maybe yes I am, I admit that. I wan tot be famous, I want to be on the stage, I want everybody to know me, admire me. But, will it be dreams come true?since I still here doing nothing related to modelling.

Stop saying that "all I need is time". Time and tide wait for no man. So please move forward or you will be regret. I give myself the last time to sit down and think what I really want in life. This is what you should do as well. To get clear with your destination. Be strong to fight for it.

Kambate! I'm going to prepare for later aerobic class at 830pm-930pm. Then, going to attend my neice birthday party.hope that I can control myself from overeating or eating as I'm going to Singapore this friday. I'm going to wear bikiny.hehe.

So later I'm going to drive home alone as well since brother is at Johor.=(

No moody please~

再次梦见妈妈

妈妈再次出现在梦里。这一次，就像之前的梦一样，梦见妈妈还没死。上天给多一次机会她。梦里是现在的五月。条件是我们必须找观音娘娘，Ak Chan和尚，还有其他神，问问他们该怎么做才能让妈妈真正渡过这一劫。否则的话，妈妈将会在七月份真正的离开我们，永不回来了。。只可惜，这是不可能的。。。心好痛。。

今天AV, 整个人都不舒服。。整天躺着。想找个对象聊天也没有。。。心情也变得低落。Aerobic class也得放弃了。嗨。。

还好，今天sign了个BO,很兴奋，至少让我觉得还没到绝望的地步。就像一个朋友说的，为什么要member walk in?如果他们不是member,这样我们才有机会recruit他们啊！说得也有道理。所以，我就铭记于心=）

放工回家途中帮一个顾客送货，结果没想到与她很投缘。原来她也喜欢Pageant这些东西的。好开心啊！至少我们有个共鸣。以后也不害怕没对象倾诉，没人支持我。和她聊天的过程，学到好多好多关于美容的东西。又再次燃起我即将熄灭的心。谢谢你！因为有你的几句话，我决不会放弃自己的梦想，我会继续往前冲！我要你们以我为荣！加油！加油！加油！

梦见妈妈

昨晚发了个梦。梦里有妈妈，衍伟，大姐，还有哥哥。哥哥最后才出现。梦见我们在妈以前的Cosway店。梦见衍伟是遗憾所在。梦见妈妈是因为思念。这几天总有一个冲动想拨电给爸和妈，但后来又发现，原来他们都不在了。顿时又失落了。一年多过去了，但仿佛一切发生的，只是在昨天。想起当年的我，不禁感慨。生命真的很脆弱。若没有汽车的发明，是不是车祸死亡率也不会增加？空气污染也不会严重？

有个朋友告诉我， 他2008年底从国外回来就谈恋爱，但一年后却分手了。那时我想起的，是与妹妹度过的最后一个月。永远没有想到，那会是我和她的最后一个月。想起妹妹做我和大姐的和事老，想起妹妹羡慕我瘦身的成果，想起妹妹在我生病时，因为我没开风扇睡觉，所以她跑到客厅去睡。嗨嗨。。。

意外

今天参加小学同学（亮俊)的婚礼。当初得知他要结婚的，心里有点不平衡。在怀疑着他到底知不知道结婚的意义是什么。沉默的他，竟然要结婚了。。

和平时一样，我都很爱参加别人的婚礼，因为那一天可以打扮得漂漂亮亮=）只是不知道我的会是什么时候，另一半的样子会是怎样，他，是怎样的一个人。嘿。

很意外的是，竟然看见衍伟的爸妈，还有他最小的弟弟。也很意外原来她妈妈是那么潮流的。衍伟样子像她妈妈。人家说，儿子像妈妈就是好。哈。原来，我还在留恋着。。也许是因为遗憾而留恋。。往往都是因为得不到，所以留恋。嗨，过去的就让它过去吧。。

今天整个人懒懒散散的。连家务也懒得做。嗨呀！

最近心里一直有一个顾虑。每个人都没钱，物质有涨价，生意也很差，我真的很害怕会有战乱的一天。虽然由不得我来害怕，操心，但心里还是顾虑着自己的未来。。。

这几天也做了犯贱的事。明知不能做，明知不会有结果，但还是一头栽了下去，而且越踩越深。。。犯罪的同时，心里却想着一个我对不起的人。也没有对不起啦，只是自己想得太多罢了。。

很无助啊。对自己的未来感到渺茫。真正想要的东西又不能去争取，肯定的是，以后我一定会后悔当初没这么做。但现在问题是，现在的状况不允许我这么做啊。我又开始犹豫了，也开始害怕了。。。