2009 的尾声

I almost forget that I used to blog here..

Until today, the end of 2009, again, I'm here..

Went through blogs that I used to write, then only i realized how hurt am i that time..

Its been a year.since everything that happened..

I will never forget 2009..the most painful time.

Will never forget I was crying alone in front of the petrol station near college, in the lrt, in the flight..hopeless..



2009年1月2日，失去了我的挚爱。my life had totally changed.360 degree.

Im lost for the whole year.but im so lucky to have my dimsum family by my side.support me.sharing is caring.I din have any achievement in 2009.few minutes later is 2010.I hope in this new year, i will have my new life. As I said, I belived that will grow stronger each day.I believed that I am more independant than uear before.


Recall back what had i done this year.


In January, my life just change. I left my final year project behind. I just cant concentrate.Deep in my heart, it was so painful. I was at hometown.settle everything that i can.At that moments, i cant see any happiness. Try to handle my mum business.Its not easy to do all the stock management, money management.not easy to handle customers. Im able to operate the business for one week. Then I back to college.Then new year came.This is the year that me, bro n sis get most angpau.....


In February, I refused to go back college and facing the world again. I don't want others felt pity to me.it makes me feel somehow.n i know it wud be hurtful cos they will remind me for everything.I just don't want.but still,i have to move on.continue with my thesis.BUt at the same time, i went for cosway product training and accessment. during this tough moment, i remember all my frens were by my side.during training, Alice, one of the speaker suddenly just mentioned bout the accident that happened to my family. I pretend that im ok.but deep in my heart, im not.i just dun wan others to know it, but at last, they know it. Dimsum family were there for me, they dun allowed me to stay in the hotel.They insisted me to stay at angkasa condo. I remembered that nite i stay with emily n angel. and chatting with ck.suddenly i just cried.emily n angel came in n consoled me.n it made me cry more.i talked to ck tht nite...



In March, emily leaving us going back to KK.she done with her thesis.We went for lunch.bid farewell.I never thought that i wud cried when thinking tht enily is leaving.She said dun be sad as she will visit me once she back here. Back till today, she made her promises.then i stay with angel.during weekend, angel went back to hometown.i was alone for some nights.of course, i cried every nite.insomia very badly.i was very stressful. Stress bout cosway, then thesis, then for my lost..Angel doen with her thesis end of march.Then she leaving as well..but, my life still continue.I cant remember how many nights i jsut cried, cried, n cried. I dunno wat else i can do to talked to my parents again. Emily told me to pray, pray to the God that they will appear in ur dreams. I never believed, but then i tried. IT WORKS! but i end up crying in the morning when i woke up.it was so real in the dreams, however, it just dream...



In April, I done with thesis, go back to Kelantan...

sister went to Australia, since the ticket was book in 2007.BUt tht time H1N1 burst out.

i was worried, i afraid i will loose her..cos travelling was not encourage tht time.



In May, I totally handle my mum business.Sister take over dad's insurance.Bro stay the same. I dun really eat for days.hardly sleep cos i missed them. Everytime i read their postmortem report, as I was science stream student, I learned physiology, I know what was written there.Which part fracture, bleeding, what caused the death.n my imagination is too good, i can figure out how the accident happened n how they felt when the car crushed.I just dun wan to think.but my mind cant stop.I cried very badly.I blamed myself for everything.I blamed myself for not buying ticket early for my sis till the ticket sold out.I blamed myself not appreciate moments that i shared with my family.I blamed myself for argued with my mum n made her sad because of him. I get very down when dad told me"pls be smart a bit, dun so easy get cheated".he never talked tht way to me.NEVER.He was so angry.Then he realized tht he scold me very badly.so the next morning he just called.I know he want to make sure if im ok..I cried tht morning.im sorry dad..im sorry..



A bug flied into the shop at the beginning, for days. I know tht was mum.She came to make sure if i can handle the business well.I cant mom..i was so stressful.but believed me, i will try my best not to disappoint u...

Customers that enter the shop fed me up. They kept on asking bout the incident. How many ppl left in my family, who had gone. anyone of us get married.how it happened, am i manage to done with my studies..such a nonsense! Out of 10 ppl, maybe only 1 or 2 ppl who really care bout us., pls la, if u want to ask question related to the incident, RM50 per question, deal? I wish i can do that.They never know how we felt everytime they asked botu the incident. they never know how hard we tried to kept the things out of my mind.They never know, what they know is to "ke po".Mind ur own business please.

Shed off few 5 kilos within 5 months...



In June, business get tougher..because i need to settle all the problems tht customers brought to me.I need to educated with all the products. Products knowledge i can still handle, but when it came to paper work.i get headache. Everytime i wish to egt someone to ask for it, especially my mum, then again i realized tht they were gone.hwo painful my heart is. Everything in the shop remind me of her.WHere she sit, talk, laugh, stress, lie down, play with cats, eating..the whole shop was full with her shadow. How possible am i not to be sad?At the same time, im doing thesis as well..i almost give up.I asked yean pay if i can give up the thesis, so i din get "honour" for my degree.she said no such rules.She, dr hon n dr renee encourage me to finish it. Everytime i talked to dr renee, she said im not the worst, as there still student who ady give up.but i know she was lying.i guess~


Brother having basketball competition. I enjoyed it very much as im a basketball lover=)
Sister get married this month..at least, theres something good happened in this year.



Mid of July, I start to take driving license.Dad, finally i take the steps.U kept on asking me to take it, but till today only i made it.If not because situation tht changed, i believed i still have no driving license till today.things tht happened can be good n bad..its always have the reasons behind.



In August, i dunno wat happened. i bought "Rich Dad Poor Dad" in 2007.but suddenly i just read it n addicted to it. Then i bought Robert Kiyosaki's part II: Cashflow Quadrant, & Part III: Guide to investing. I din manage to finish part III as i dunno what its all about. I have no idea wat is finance n investment. Because of this, i know tht in order to achieved my dreams, I hv to get the knowledge bout this. So i plan to take part time course in 2010, when i move back to KL.


I can't stand the customers anymore. I dont want to continue this business anymore. I kept on struggling. I told myself that I will move back to Kl in 2010. If I kept on staying here like this, my life will end up just like others. Look at the people around u n u will become just like them when u aged. I dont want. I want to make changes. I want to go through life that i want. I will fight for my dreams. I will try my best to make my dreams come true.Robert's book showed me the path that i should followed. He woke me up from life.thanx to these books.


If im not mistaken , i present my thesis(VIVA) in september..finally everything done. relief~
September, Hari Raya, me n bro went to KL..sister was there..thts y we kept on flying to Kl.



October, Deepavali, again fly to KL.
Finally get my driving license.Im proud of myself since i made all the payment myself=)


November, Hari Raya Haji, fly to KL.went to Bubba Gump-The Curve.nIce food.take lots of pictures.


December, brother having another basketball competition. As usual, i will follow him to the court cos im a basketball lover=)But its weird, cos im always sitting alone. Im too shy to look for my baller frens who stay in Kota Bharu. What kind of friend am I~Bro's team get champion again.their team are always the best.SInce i was so lonely, i followed them for the celebration.Things that happened after that make me think:If i could turn back time, will i join the celebration? Im not sure.

10.12.209, thursday.bro back from terengganu. Today semifinaln was held at pasir mas, which is the stadium situated beside my shop.hmm.its very convenient to me.i can just walk there.I saw this Mr A. I asked bro" is that him?he gained weight."haha..I know this Mr A because he is bro's secondary schoolmate. He is a good baller. but i never have chance to talk to him since i always the shy person to start conevrsation with "half stranger". They won the match. I saw Pei Wen. She is very thin. She got a boyfriend, which i also know the guy.After the match, some of us went to Chekok eat "Belut" . I refuse to go since i thought its weird cos i kept on stick to bro. n all his friends are guys. But i just dont care, because i was so lonely.I decide to follow wherever he goes=.= From what Siang Long said, I know this Mr A when for drink.

11.12.2009, they get champion.we went to Hitech for celebration.Just a normal n quite boring club or pub. sorry to say that.Of cos, he is going as well.Then i realized most of them are the usual customers oevr there. The singer know them very well. Yen Way kept on asking me to drink. But i dont want to. iafraid i will addicted, which is not good. so i drink only very little. They drink a cup everytime they cheers, but i just drink a bit.hehe.smart~ Then i saw Sze Kan n Ke Pui Hong enter the place, as usual, Ke Pui Hong is so charming as he is very tall. Both of them are my basketball idol.Aiya, as long as u r a good basketballer, then u will automatically become my idol dy. Same to Mr A that i used to admire since i was in secondary school. Quite a long time. I saw my old best friend, Su Ying there, but i didnt say hi to her. She changed lotsMy bad~Seem like everyone enjoyed that night, except me.im not used to entertain at thiskind of place, so i dunno how to react. I was boreed actually, n have no topics with others. so i just play the phone game, which is very boring, but have to pretend that it was so interesting.I wish to Sing K.

12.12.2009.Bro called again n said they going to have another celebration at The Sun Cafe. This is second time i enter ther. This plac ecan sing k.heh.But i dont dare to sing, because my voice is suck.I called pei wen for companient, then i have somebody to sing with me.We all get very high that night. As usual, we drink.I dont like the tase. But i do like vodka + orange, its very yummy.Im not good in drinking.everytime i drink vodka+orange for two glass, i start to faint.but not drunk.Guess i dont like the feel of being drunk as i tried once.That time, I ate tomyam in empty stomach, then drink few bottles of heineken.of cos, get fainted then vomitting when i reached home.So this time i become smart, drink little by little=.=We all take pictures. This would be unforgettable memories. Things that happened next, I just kept it in my mind~

today is the last day of 2009. I am so happy that at the end of the day, im able to stand up again.No longer struggle for life.Im so lucky to have this dimsum family for the whole year supporting me to go through my life.Im so happy that i get stronger n independant each day.Today is the last day of 2009, i hope i will get better life in 2010. Love that i lost this year, i cant get back again, but i know they are watching me all the time. They become my guardian from time to time. I promise not to blame myself for all the mistakes. Promise to move on n live a better life..

One things that im not able to do in 2009, i will continue it in 2010. I will take a break n go for a long holiday. I wish i will able go europe, which is my dream country since young.I want to leave this places as its give me the most painful memories. I want to recharge.Find myself back.

Goodbye 2009 n welcome a better 2010

Happy new year everybody=)

I miss u...

Went to Kuen Cheng for friendly match. We lost.For sure cos no practise. Game end at 5pm.Me, PinLeng &Sau went to Ahmad Maidin to eat. Came back to condo, theres no one here..Lonely.. I didn't take my bath and i went to sleep.. Not really can sleep cos sticky, by the way I play the music as well.. I keep thinking bout my parents I miss them so much.. I just cried...very badly.. Everything is in my mind.I remember their face, their smile. I miss my little sister. Why is this happened to me?why me??? I look at the hair serum,I wish that I can just drink it, then I would be able to see them. I miss them, I want to talk to them.. But I afraid they will scold me then..in the heaven. And for sure, I will go to hell. How much I wish they never came to KL that time, How much I wish I let my sister took flight, How much I wish I didn't let them go, How much I wish everything never happened... Daddy, mummy, Shareen.. Where are u guys??I miss u all... Can u guys talk to me in my dreams?? At least once?? Where are u guys? Will u guys come back again?? Mom, I miss ur cooking, Dad, I never have chance to feel ur loves again, Shareen, I never have second chance to ask u accompany me for the next pageant... I regret...

Tears

Came back from the lab in the evening.. Look at the empty room, I was so lonely.. Theres no one here.. I cant charge my phone, cos my charger is not here.. Look at the beds, the wall, ceiling... Iget my msg from my dear. Suddenly, my tears dropping... Realized that i miss him so much... I feel so depressed n lonely... I miss my parents... where are they now.. They are not in my dreams also. Not even once=( I took my lunch alone since everyone left here... But i know theres always someone else can take dinner with me.. Plan to play ball, but heard there futsal.. Tomorrow is the friendly match,am I ready for it?? Last nite "Watchmen"was not interesting, a bored movie instead. Sis was here..but she going to S'pore tmr with Chris.. I want to follow.But alreaqdy prmise Pin Leng to play with her for the friendly.. What a good friend=) I miss my parents, my friends, my dear, my dog, my cat, everything that I know...

To my dearest dear..

Finally, i think bout it carefully.. and i get the answer i want.. from being so suffer from everything or thinking too much I came with one final answer: I decided to love u fully and trully from my heart. I will give u all I have.. Love u for everything no matter ur good side or bad side.. I will learn to appreaciate all the loves u give to me.. Our relatioship is just started my dear. Are u ready for this??

Happy valentine

I woke up in the morning with only one thing in my head.
waiting for ur explaination..
I got one msg in my inbox.
U deny for what happened..
I have no point to trust u anymore.
Now i just see if u still find any ways to save our relationship.
or else, we break up..

Went out with Angel, Suh Wei, Dick and CK..
we watched movie in Midvalley-Wedding days
I kept thingking bout u for the whole movie.
At the end of the day,
i cried thinking of my parents and u..

I wish i could just text u n say how much i love u and miss u..
but i cant, because im the one who decide to break up,
and i cant trust u anymore.

U do call me in the midnight.
but i didn't pick up the phone.
I supposed to picked up,
just because i want to know what are u going to say..

I still miss u...

Hurtful valentine for me,thanx to u

If i were a boy

If I were a boy even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted
And go drink beer with the guys

And chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
And I'd never get confronted for it
'Cause they stick up for me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
So they'd think that I was sleeping alone

I'd put myself first
And make the rules as I go
'Cause I know that she'd be faithful
Waiting for me to come home

It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake
Think I'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

But you're just a boy
You don't understand
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man

You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
'Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy

This is the advice that i gave to him
How hurtful it is finding that ur boyfren is so close with another girl,
one day before valentine...
Congrates to myself get cheated by my first love..

Everything that u said just a lies to me
How stupid am i,now only realized
Everything that my parents said was true
It make me felt regret that much
Arguing with them just because of u
Argued with them for a stranger, a cheater,a lier

So unlucky..
But fortunately,i wont die because of him.
I wont die because of such guy.

Someone ask him if i really love him,
or i just take him for granted
Seems like it happened another way round.
He the one who taking me for granted

If i were a boy,
i will be a better man
Cause i know how it feel like being hurt

No guy can truly be trusted

Fed up...

again-hurtful

Never think that the first valentine that i think i will celebrate is,
the most hurtful valentines for me.
How i celebrate my valentines??
Such a shame..
Its totally different with others..
The way i celebrate is,
crying for the whole nite...

I miss u...
The person that i will never have chance to say "I Love You" to
Stay in peace
I try my best to stand up again
Try my best to be strong

I regret that i argued with u
Regret that i never listen to u
Regret that i didn't say good bye eveytime i talked to u,
just because i didn't agree for what u said
Now i realize how naive am i..
How stupid am i..
Im sorry dad,
sorry mum....
I will never have the chances to lsiten to ur advice anymore...
please guide me
Please let me dream bout u

I miss u...

Hurt~I MISS YOU

There no hates and loves in my heart.
I feel nothing.
I have nothing to hate, nothing to love.
Everything just gone, just change.
I wish that it was just a nightmare for me.
I missing u so badly..
u no longer with me.
I cant tell how mush I miss u..
I thought my appreciation is enough,but
then i realized that it was just too little.
I'm so suffer.Crying almost everynite doesn't help.
Hope that i can reach u,but, is it possible??
i wish to see u, but, i was so scare..
i wish i was brave enough.

why it should be me??
why everything happened to me??
i cant take it, the punishment is to heavy.
i never think this would really happened on me.

everything left with just memories.
everything that u did or told me became the last thing.
that is the last time i talk to u,
the last time i smile & laugh to u,
the last time u accompany me when i was sick (sis),
the last time u came into my room n ask me to go for doc (dad),
the last time u remind me to rewarm the food (mom),
but i don't even have the last chance to hug u and say goodbye...

I will never forget the rainy days..
The days that i looked at u for the last time.
The day that u were sent back with the van.
the day that i saw injuries on ur face n body.
i will never forgive the one who caused this.NEVER!!

I wish i can turn back the time.
Then only i have enough time to share with u.
I wish that u know how painful is my heart seeing others with their family??
How happy they are celebrate new years with family?
I wish that u will never came here...
Plzzzzzzzzzz